To Be or Not To Be

To be or not to be. Many people say that is the question. At least for me, the question that usually drives many of my decisions is: To engage or not engage? When you have OCD and anxiety issues, your brain is always on high alert for potential danger. Big or small. Usually both but that in and of itself is irrelevant. Everyone's brain has a built in imperative to be on the lookout for danger. It's how people survive. We may not have saber tooth tigers around every corner anymore but we still haven't stopped looking for potential pitfalls. Will I lose my job? Do people like me? What if someone I love gets sick? Human beings have been surviving by asking the simple question: What if? It has it's usefulness. You may have a careful budget because you know what it's like to go through lean times. It's helpful when it is adaptive and actually beneficial. But what do you do when it goes beyond that?

Some people are worriers and planners. It's just part of their personality.  And some of us have OCD and Anxiety Disorders that take it to a clinical level. There are a whole bunch of clinical evaluations that you can do to see if you are a part of the latter. Or you can just answer this one simple question. And if you answer ,yes, it doesn't mean you have a disorder. You might just need to shift your perspective. Does worry ,anxiety,excessive problem-solving and never being able to be present in the current moment cause distress in your life? Do you miss out on things because you are too scared?  Are you miserable because even when you are doing something important to you, you feel as if you are trying to dodge invisible saber tooth tigers? Are you so caught up in preventing a catastrophe that you don't actually live? There are many levels of severity, as I have mentioned before, but if  it is true to you on any level, there are things you can do.

Behavioral Therapy(used for anxiety disorders, PTSD and many others) is interesting because it is so complex and so very simple. Tons of books have been written on the subject.  I've read a lot of them and they have really helped. But I like the simplified "anxiety for dummies" track and that's what I like to explain in my blog. Simple, personal things I have learned and find personally beneficial.

There has been a myth circulating that humans have more control than they actually do.  I'm not sure when this started but if I had to guess it was pretty early on. The truth is you can't control everything. But you can control some things. And that's where people get caught. But there's another myth that has been been floating around. And that is that you have to control everything you can. And if you can't control it,  you can plan for every eventuality. And of course worry and agonize over it. Cause that usually helps any situation:) I kid.

But the truth is you don't have a choice of how you feel. Emotions are like breathing. They are just there and a natural response to life. But you do have the choice of whether you engage in a worry. If you cultivate it and nurture it. To care for it like a fragile seed and see it to fruition.  It's a simple concept that is complex in application. It takes practice.  I am finishing up my 9th week at an intensive OCD treatment. I am flying home on Friday. And there is a snow storm blowing in on Thursday.

The old me would have said that I didn't have any choice in the matter. As of yet, I can't control the weather. But I would have engaged. I would have agonized over my plans and began to plan for every eventuality. I would have kept careful tabs on the weather. I would have contacted the taxi and the airport until they hung a picture of me on their bulletin board to warn future employees about the obnoxious girl who was 'just checking'. But most of all I would have ruminated over it day and night. I would have trouble falling asleep. And by the time Friday came I would be drained and I would be loathing my misfortune. Why couldn't this one little thing be easy?

Call it the intensive nine weeks of behavioral therapy and my renewed interest to trust God in all things but I am choosing not to engage this time. I still hope my flight doesn't get delayed. I still have the desire to worry on it and play that particular screen play through my mind.  But I'm not going to cultivate it.  Under the guise of control we nourish a worry. What it going to happen will happen either way. I'm either gonna have a miserable-the-earth-is-ending-and-I-have-to-prevent-it mentality or I'm gonna make a decision to not engage the worry. To not help it grow.

So many of you might be asking if I just told you to just 'not to worry' about it. You have probably heard that before. Heck, I've heard it a million times myself. But I'm not telling you not to have a desired outcome of the situation.  I'm not even telling you not to make some reasonable plans like leaving half an hour early for the airport.  Ask yourself this: What are you actually trying to control by nourishing a worry? In this instance I wasn't trying to prevent a snow storm. I was trying to prevent negative feelings that might occur if the a snow storm happened. I would be trying to prevent the inconvenience. I would be trying to prevent my own loss of control.

Feelings of worry and anxiety aren't harmful. They can sure be unpleasant but they won't actually hurt you. But spending your life trying to prevent the feelings of worry, anxiety, fear, loss and whatever else you can think of, actually will. It's not the feeling that is so bad. It's the struggle to avoid it.  Friday will happen either way.  Have you ever noticed that the preparation to prevent harm was often much worse that the actual fear? I have no guarantee that I will be on that plane at 11:15 on Friday morning. But I do know if I spend the next 2 days engaging the worry and nurturing it, it won't really matter what will happen on Friday. The next two days would have been a stressed out mess.

So I'm not telling you not to worry. I'm telling you to do some reasonable prep and then let go of the reins.   It is much easier said than done. But when I start thinking of the what-if's of Friday I shift my focus back to the present. What is meaningful to me in this very moment? Right now, it is writing this blog. Later I might distract myself with a friend. Maybe you have to shift your focus 100 times just today. But each time you do that you are giving meaning to this day. To this moment. In case you haven't noticed, sometimes bad things happen. I can't stop the storm. But I can keep from  wasting  the calm before the storm.  Choose to make today meaningful instead of preventing harm tomorrow.


P.s. The concept may sound easy but it takes a lot of everyday practice. Don't give up! I'm not going to either.  Keep practicing and in case you read my previous post, practice doesn't make perfect. It makes progress.

The Price Of Perfection

I have had OCD longer than I can remember life without mental illness. I won't lie and say its been a piece of cake. I have had to struggle to get the things that a lot of people take for granted.  But it does give you some things too. It's helped me have such joy in the small things. I wasn't always sure I'd get to do everything that I had dreamed of. Like marriage and kids. Or college even. I'm 34 and still working on that one:) But it's ok. I have always been more of the tortoise than the hare.  It gave me a stubborn spirit.  It's helped me practice going for what I want in the midst of suffering. It's knocked me to my knees so many times and even after I had given up it's taught me my need to reach my hand out to God and let him lift me back to my feet. It has always helped me see my need for God.  It makes you a badger. It can make you relentless. A dog with a bone. It can make you a perfectionist.

In our society, perfectionist are valued.  We are praised. After all we are always on time, we get our work done. We just don't let go until we get it right. And if we don't, boy, are we gonna kick ourselves while we are down.  Even though it can make you miserable, a lot of people are willing to take the bad along with the good. I always thought I was one of those people. Willing to take the stress and pain that came with my quest for perfection. I was willing to never feel satisfied as long  the things I did were top notch. I was willing to forgo fun time to redo something because it hadn't reached my magic level of greatness. I was even willing to stress others out in my pursuit to have this all encompassing control. Until it started to interfere with my relationship with God.

I have been going to church since I was a toddler. I have remained faithful through my life. I go to church. I raise my kids in the church.  I am involved.  I teach Bible study. I even supported my husband when he wanted to switch from a lucrative career of graphic design  to full time ministry.  Man, I was checking off those list left and right. I read my Bible. And I even suitably tortured my self about it. Was I doing it enough? Was I learning enough? Was I feeling the right way while I did it? I did that when I prayed too.  Before I knew it I had extended that mentality to every part of my life. I tried my hardest not to sin. I would think about my life for endless hours. Was I doing absolutely everything I could not to sin and honor God? After all, that is what we have been taught since we were kids. I mean, you are supposed to not sin right?

So why was I so unhappy? Why could I never feel that joy that I heard other Christians talk about?  I love Jesus so much! He literally gives my life purpose and meaning. Why was I so stinking miserable? Couldn't God see I was torturing myself for him? I'm trying my best.  Just like with OCD I wasn't going to give up until I beat it all.

And then I went to the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Institute in Boston Massachusetts. In case you couldn't tell from the previous paragraphs, I have OCD:) I had everything I had ever wanted in life. I have an amazing husband and two great kids. We work with an awesome Church. I'm even planning of finishing my degree.  But something wasn't right. I was getting more and more depressed.and it felt like my life was slowly spiraling out of control. And like any good perfectionist I tried to fix it by controlling it more. I was gonna be the perfect mom, the best wife, the best friend, the best at working hard on my OCD.  I was gonna be the best Christian too. I was gonna show God how hard I was trying.

On November 4th I had a break down. I could no longer go on. I thought I  was doing everything right. I was working so hard but OCD was out of control and my depression was so deep I didn't know if I even had the strength to even reach for God's hand this time. So I checked myself into the OCD Institute. I left my husband and kids at home to do residential treatment for the mental illness I had been fighting all my life. And I was gonna do it perfect. I was gonna make everyone so proud, I was gonna beat this.

I'm pretty sure everyone can see the grave error I was making.  But I'm the tortoise remember? :)
I was reading this book called gods at war. It's all about becoming aware of the idols we have in our lives. Without going into how OCD treatment works too much, I'll just say I was reading it to confront my ideas of perfectionism from an OCD stand point. It can be confusing....but that's a blog for another day.

I was sure I was gonna read the book and find out that my idol was television. I love me some prime time T.V. and I could probably be more disciplined. But I was soon shaken to my very core. I did have an idol in my life.  And that Idol was perfectionism and control. You see, we put our time, energy, love and sacrifice into what we worship and I been worshiping the control I was trying to have in all aspects of my life.

But as is the case with all idols, I had put my hope, joy and peace in something other than God.  And just like with other idols I convinced myself that it was important.  I even  deluded  myself into thinking I was serving God while I was doing it.   I can hear the rebuttal coming. Someone will say: "But aren't we supposed to obey God? Trying you best can't be that bad?"  But it is extremely easy to shift your focus just slightly from God. And that small change in perspective can hurt.

The truth of the matter is this. It was like I was saying that I trusted God to forgive me and make me whole, but only when I was done mucking around in it myself. I'd let him take over what I couldn't.  I'd make sure and do my part. And I would keep that illusion of control.  I was trusting in how good I could be. How much I could follow the rules. I was trusting in myself. And I was suffering. A lot.  And the kicker was I thought I was being holy.

I had taken on a role that I was never meant to have in the first place. I was going to give God the glory but save myself. I was failing because it was an impossible  task.  The truth was it didn't matter how hard I tried. Even if I could  reach that ideal of perfection I had in my head, I'd still have missed the mark. Its like aiming at the target but shooting wide.  And God never wanted me to have all this responsibility.   Matthew 11:28 says “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Growing up I always thought that verse was about God giving you rest from trials. But He is giving us rest from the burden of perfection. The burden of control.  I can't be the perfect mom, person, wife, friend or student. I can't read the Bible or pray good enough and I can't not ever sin again. But I can humble myself before the Lord.  Lay it at his feet. Thank Him that He has not placed that burden on me.  Trust that it is Christ who makes me whole. So, I have learned what many great minds have learned before me.  It's not some great revelation no one has ever had before.  But it is this. Until you can continually lay it at Christ feet and trust that He doesn't make up what you lack but He is what you lack, in it's entirety, you can not find peace. Even if you know all the bible stories in the world.

I feel kind of silly writing about this.  Now that I have realized what I have been doing it seems so simple.  I'm sure there are those who have gotten it from the beginning. But just in case you are like me and in your good intentions,  you have made an idol of perfection and control, let them go. Trust in the Lord to take them. Trust in the Lord to change you. Trust in the Lord to help you seek him. Don't learn it the hard way.   He doesn't just want to pick you up when you fall. He wants to be the thing you stand on.

Perfection

I am a perfectionist.  Not just a Type A personality but what psychologist would describe as a maladaptive perfectionism.  I think we sort of glorify the perfectionist in our society. I mean, we make good grades and like things "just so" That can't be a bad thing right? It has to be better than the alternative. But what does Maladaptive Perfectionism really mean? Here are some examples taken from a self evaluation work sheet used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Its pretty self explanatory. Just pick the one that you would say generally describes you best.

1. My standards are usually:
A. Pretty set-relatively infexiable one I set them
B. Modified according to the situation-can change frequently

2. The standards I make for
 myself:
A. Tend to be the same across everything-both harder tasks and easier ones
B. Change acfording to what I think my weaknesses are

3. Is there usually a gap between your standards and what you can actually do:
A. Yes, in many situations my standrards are definelty higher thatn what I can actually do
B. No, I tailor my standards around my abilities

4. Can you experience satisfaction or pleasure from your work:
A. No, I generally feel I could do better, therefore usually am not astisfied
B. Yes, I am able to find satisfaction within my work.

5. What is your attitude-how do you usually approach your tasks:
A. I''m usually pretty tense of anxious
B. I usually take a relaxed stance but am still careful

6. Is your sense of self tied to your performance of tasks:
A. Yes-how I feel about myslf is usally tied to how well I did something
B.  No-my feelings about myself come from other areas too, although some might come from achievements from tasks.

7. When you fail at something, you:
A. Generally criticize and/or scold yourself
B. Feel bad, but try to use the feeling as motivation to do better next time.

8. While doing a task, your MAJOR focus is:
A. NOT doing something wrong
B. Doing as much as I can correctly

These are just a portion of a much larger evaluation tool so my point in sharing was not to help any one form any kind of diagnosis but show that the answers generally polarize each other.  One is usually flexible, the other rigid. One has room for error and growth, the other does not.  And one side tends to lead to a more content feeling of self and accomplishment and the other a demanding task master.  So if you are like me you answered mostly A's.  You may need to work on re-framing your goals and self talk. It's a big part of what I do to help myself feel more content and not drive everyone else crazy. I joke but it's kinda true.

So I work on it....a lot. But the area that I have the most trouble with my perfectionism is in my relationship with God.  As Christians we are to follow Christs teaching. We are to try our best not to sin.   We are to be Christ like. So one would think, that at least in this, being a perfectionist would be an advantage, right?   But the kicker is, I don't sin any less than anyone else because I have perfectionist tendencies.  I just end up beating myself up a whole lot and end up running a futile race in which I am trying really hard but going in circles. Or as I like to say: the hamster wheel affect. And in   doing so I am not letting Jesus do what he was sent here to do. Forgive me. Cover me with his grace.  Please keep in mind I am not saying "we should go on sinning so that Grace may abound" Romans 6:1 says unequivocally that that is not the case.

But I will question my motivation. Am I trying so hard not to sin because I am afraid of the imperfections? Or the consequences of them? Or because I genuinely love who Jesus  and wish to be a faithful disciple?  Or that I just want to be near him and by walking like him we get to know him.  You see folks. Christianity isn't just about not sinning. Even non perfectionist can get caught up in that pesky little bit of misinformation. If it was, it would be a sad race that we couldn't win. 

But my God doesn't do sad, futile races. He knows our imperfections. He knows them because he carries them himself.  By His sacrifice. So am I talking in circles?  I sure hope not. This particular blog is very much from my heart.

I can be okay getting a B on a college paper now. I have worked really hard to change my perspective. Now I am working hard to change my perspective on this. I am not made Holy because I can keep from sinning sometimes. I am made Holy by Christ taking my imperfections onto himself. So I do not sin because I want an A on that heavenly report card. But I strive to follow Christ(which is often but choosing a different path i.e choosing not to sin)  Because I love him.  So maybe the end result is the same. In both scenarios we are trying to follow Christ. But I think the second way comes with contentment.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and sound mind" 2 Tim 1:7

Uh oh..1st line is a disclaimer!

I'd like to state that today's blog was not inspired by a specific person, place or event. I am just writing this in response to a general feeling I get from our parenting culture as a whole.

Maybe it's cause I am a mother of two rowdy yet wonderful boys, or that my husband is a preacher and we are to some extent in the public eye, or because I am just plain human; I worry if my kids will behave well in public. I know I'm not alone in this. I have seen frazzled and embarrassed mommas at church and in the grocery store. I have seen mommas cringe at unsolicited advice and make a beeline out of where ever they are to deal with the tantrum in private. Away from prying eyes and the judgement and mental "tisk tisk" that goes with it. I know this cause I have been there. 

My youngest is strong willed, sweet, stubborn and one of the most loving kids in the world. I'm told he is a lot like me. I too am stubborn and for some reason sometimes I just enjoy a good argument. So the fact that I have a little firecracker isn't too surprising.

Our goal should not be to just have well behaved children. What? I can hear the outrage now. You don't think people should strive to have well behaved children? Okay, not exactly what I said.  I would absolutely love it if my boys were always well behaved. At home and in public. But they are not going to be. And if  I measure my success as a parent on only that variable, then I am always going to feel like a failure, and my kids are gonna be super stressed. So what exactly am I saying?

It is all in the perspective. The big picture. My goal is for my boys to grow up to be strong Christian men who lead their families with love, strength and faith in Christ Jesus. And it takes a lot to get them there. A ton of little lessons spurred by mistakes and temper tantrums. A million opportunities to teach, correct and to show mercy. Just as Christ teaches, corrects and shows us mercy. And just as we are not perfect as adults, they can not be perfect as children. But we sometimes put this pressure on ourselves. And the results are usually isolating and frustrating to say the least. But what can we do? We can use every fit, kick and yell to teach the Godly characteristics we so desire in them. And we can keep the situation in perspective.

So I am definitely not saying to let your kids do whatever they want. Or not to teach them. But I am saying not to freak out about every misbehavior so much. They are an opportunity to teach. They are normal. So my goal isn't to have just well behaved children. That will come in time, and in different time frames for each child. My goal have a confident, loving and Godly adult.

So how can you help me? By being patient with me and my kids as we learn and grow. By offering support instead of criticisms. Encouragement instead of exasperation. And you know what? I am going to try my hardest to do it for you. Because we are not in competition with each other, not if we truly desire to put on Christ's love.

Let's get them to the end goal together.

Confession is Good for the Soul

We all do a lot of pretending.  It's a coping mechanism we all have.  Ever heard the phrase 'fake it, til you make it?' For me it has always been wishful thinking until the rest of me caught up.  And for most things in life, it tends to work. Act confident in social situations and eventually you will be and you don't even notice when you stop faking.  We do it all the time and it isn't lying. It's just believing in the end goal. 

But some things you just can't fake.  Don't get me wrong. Boy, do I still try though.  I don't necessarily keep mine a big secret, but I'm often not real with people either.  I am a Christian,  mother and a preacher's wife.  And I have Major Depressive Disorder.  

I don't really remember a time that I didn't struggle with it.  And in that way, I suppose, I am blessed. There is not a before and after for me.  It just is.  I can reconcile most aspects of my life with the depression. I do feel guilt that I have such a wonderful husband and beautiful healthy children and suffer from depression.    But I think the hardest role to reconcile, is preacher's wife. 

I am so afraid that if people know how much I suffer, they will think I am not good enough. You see, I feel so honored to be in the role I am in. To support my husband as he preaches and teaches God's word. In our minds it isn't just a job. It is THE job.  I am afraid that they will think I am weak. Or the biggest dirty little secret of all, people will think that I am ungrateful and do not love and trust in God enough. 

So I hide. I allude to it at times but for the most part I hide the depression.  I hide that some days it feels like I can't take care of my house let alone myself.  Or that some days I can't feel anything at all. Or that some days I want to quit and give up.

So why post this now? Why confess?  Probably more than anything to prove a point to myself.  Christians are not perfect people, but people made perfect by the blood of Christ. Preacher's and their wives are not more holy, or subject to a higher class of problems. We are real people. I always ask people to be real with me. Then I go on to tell them how God loves them and how we are all an integral part of the Lord's church.  But I hide this, one of my greatest struggles.  I hide an illness. I do not share the truth of my struggles while I ask that others do the very same thing.

I do not write this post as a preacher's wife or even as person with mental illness. I write it as a fellow Christian.  The church is made strong by our love for one another.  I do not wish to just love the Sunday you. The fake it, til you make it persona.  But the real you with all the struggles and blemishes. I want that love too but first I had to take the risk and confess myself.

The only thing that stays the same, is everything always changes.

So it has been a few months since my last post.  I've got my handy dandy excuse all ready though: Our entire life is changing!  Now we know where my youngest get's his flair for the dramatic.  But really, it's a lot.  We are moving to Illinois in about three weeks.  My husband got a job at a wonderful church where he will get to preach every week.  We are so excited!  We will be trading in our flip flops for snow boots, swap spending all our money on air conditioning to heat and go from living within a few hours drive of grand parents and family to a plane ride away.  Which is the hardest thing for me.  I am a self proclaimed, 100% card carrying momma's girl.

I have never taken change well.  That my friends, is the understatement of the century. But my Mom always told me: The only thing that stays the same, is everything always changes.  I guess she has been trying to get me used to the idea since birth.  Well, 32 years later, I can say I am no longer digging in my heals, going dead weight and making people drag me along. But I still have a hard time.  It's the unknown. The what if's.  But I will confess the hardest thing for me is being so far away from my my mom.

A lot of people have great moms.  And while I do like a good contest, this isn't what this post is about.  It's about reflection and gratitude. And acknowledging that God has control over all things. Even who we are born to.  My mom isn't just a good Mom. She is the reason I am here today.  I had some very particular struggles growing up.  Sometimes I look back and I think that just surviving was a miracle. But I did so much more than just survive.  I thrived.   And I did so because she taught me how.  She survived for me when I hadn't quite gotten that lesson yet and she took my burdens until I was strong enough to hold them on my own.  She taught me to trust God and to wait for him.  And then she did the most selfless thing of all. She let me go so I could do it on my own. The great irony is, if she hadn't done such a good job, I wouldn't be moving four states away and following the path God has put in place for my family.

So Mom, I hate to disagree with you . But I believe circumstances change. Destinations change. Jobs change.
But there are some stuff that don't. God's never ending love and provision.  And my love and respect for you.  Cause you have given me the greatest gift I believe a mother can give her child.  The confidence  and support to thrive. To follow God's path. And I pray that one day my boys will say the same for me.

To Slay the Monster

             You don't have to suffer from depression or OCD to have the rug pulled out from under you.  That just happens by being alive.  By interacting with another human being.  Being a part of a family.  Loving a friend to the point that you feel their pain as your own.  I never presume my pain is worse than anyone else but I can only write about my experiences.  So here it goes.

               It is definitely more complex than I am going to put it but there are basically two kinds of depression.    There is situational depression.  Caused by a specific event or tragedy.  And then there is the other kind.  A slumbering monster that you always know is there even if it is dormant at the moment.  There is a science behind it. A brain chemistry but I had to start understanding these concepts as a kid.  And every kid thinks about monsters.

              I have a wonderful life, monsters not withstanding.  Sometimes I think back to what I dreamed of having when I was a kid and I can say that I pretty much have all of it. I suppose some people might say I never dream t big enough but those people would be very wrong.  I wanted a husband.  And God gave me the most wonderful husband. A part of me had been dreaming of him since I was seventeen.  I wanted kids and I have the two most beautiful boys.  I wanted to somehow work in ministry and now my husband is a very devoted minister.  I get to support him and work beside him.  Many people may read my list of accomplishments and maybe they will just seem pretty run of the mill but to a woman who at several points in her life couldn't attend school or even leave her house, it's a pretty huge deal.

            I have the normal ups and down of life. The losses and hurts that go with it.  But I also have that pesky slumbering monster that every so often makes it's appearance in my life.  Even with this life that is so full of God's blessings I sometimes get clinically depressed.  And sometimes it comes out of the blue and hits me like a semi.  Other times it creeps up and slowly wears me down.  Sometimes I feel guilty for being depressed.  I mean, how can I look at my boys and the purpose I have in my life and be so?

          I am writing this because I have met others that feel the exact same way.  And like my explanation of depression I am going to make it really simple.  It is what it is.  Had I told myself that a few years ago I might have slapped myself in the head. And I'm not trying to minimize peoples pain or my own.  But if you would like to know how I fight my monster is pretty simple.  He is always gonna be there.  Sometime quieter than others but I have an illness and baring some new treatment it is reality.  So even though I don't like him, instead of demonizing the depression or myself,  in a way I invite him to stay and hang out a bit until he fades away again.   In those times I use my coping skills that I have learned from many years of therapy.  And I have another thing that I am so blessed to have at my disposal.  I have my faith in Jesus and I cling to the promises he has given. Even when the monster is so loud I want to shut out the world.  I cling to my blessings.  I fight.  And I don't hate it or myself anymore.  That is a pain we cause ourselves.

         You don't conquer the monster by killing it or hating it.  You get the help that you need and you do the one thing that takes it's power. You choose to build.