I have had OCD longer than I can remember life without mental illness. I won't lie and say its been a piece of cake. I have had to struggle to get the things that a lot of people take for granted. But it does give you some things too. It's helped me have such joy in the small things. I wasn't always sure I'd get to do everything that I had dreamed of. Like marriage and kids. Or college even. I'm 34 and still working on that one:) But it's ok. I have always been more of the tortoise than the hare. It gave me a stubborn spirit. It's helped me practice going for what I want in the midst of suffering. It's knocked me to my knees so many times and even after I had given up it's taught me my need to reach my hand out to God and let him lift me back to my feet. It has always helped me see my need for God. It makes you a badger. It can make you relentless. A dog with a bone. It can make you a perfectionist.
In our society, perfectionist are valued. We are praised. After all we are always on time, we get our work done. We just don't let go until we get it right. And if we don't, boy, are we gonna kick ourselves while we are down. Even though it can make you miserable, a lot of people are willing to take the bad along with the good. I always thought I was one of those people. Willing to take the stress and pain that came with my quest for perfection. I was willing to never feel satisfied as long the things I did were top notch. I was willing to forgo fun time to redo something because it hadn't reached my magic level of greatness. I was even willing to stress others out in my pursuit to have this all encompassing control. Until it started to interfere with my relationship with God.
I have been going to church since I was a toddler. I have remained faithful through my life. I go to church. I raise my kids in the church. I am involved. I teach Bible study. I even supported my husband when he wanted to switch from a lucrative career of graphic design to full time ministry. Man, I was checking off those list left and right. I read my Bible. And I even suitably tortured my self about it. Was I doing it enough? Was I learning enough? Was I feeling the right way while I did it? I did that when I prayed too. Before I knew it I had extended that mentality to every part of my life. I tried my hardest not to sin. I would think about my life for endless hours. Was I doing absolutely everything I could not to sin and honor God? After all, that is what we have been taught since we were kids. I mean, you are supposed to not sin right?
So why was I so unhappy? Why could I never feel that joy that I heard other Christians talk about? I love Jesus so much! He literally gives my life purpose and meaning. Why was I so stinking miserable? Couldn't God see I was torturing myself for him? I'm trying my best. Just like with OCD I wasn't going to give up until I beat it all.
And then I went to the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Institute in Boston Massachusetts. In case you couldn't tell from the previous paragraphs, I have OCD:) I had everything I had ever wanted in life. I have an amazing husband and two great kids. We work with an awesome Church. I'm even planning of finishing my degree. But something wasn't right. I was getting more and more depressed.and it felt like my life was slowly spiraling out of control. And like any good perfectionist I tried to fix it by controlling it more. I was gonna be the perfect mom, the best wife, the best friend, the best at working hard on my OCD. I was gonna be the best Christian too. I was gonna show God how hard I was trying.
On November 4th I had a break down. I could no longer go on. I thought I was doing everything right. I was working so hard but OCD was out of control and my depression was so deep I didn't know if I even had the strength to even reach for God's hand this time. So I checked myself into the OCD Institute. I left my husband and kids at home to do residential treatment for the mental illness I had been fighting all my life. And I was gonna do it perfect. I was gonna make everyone so proud, I was gonna beat this.
I'm pretty sure everyone can see the grave error I was making. But I'm the tortoise remember? :)
I was reading this book called gods at war. It's all about becoming aware of the idols we have in our lives. Without going into how OCD treatment works too much, I'll just say I was reading it to confront my ideas of perfectionism from an OCD stand point. It can be confusing....but that's a blog for another day.
I was sure I was gonna read the book and find out that my idol was television. I love me some prime time T.V. and I could probably be more disciplined. But I was soon shaken to my very core. I did have an idol in my life. And that Idol was perfectionism and control. You see, we put our time, energy, love and sacrifice into what we worship and I been worshiping the control I was trying to have in all aspects of my life.
But as is the case with all idols, I had put my hope, joy and peace in something other than God. And just like with other idols I convinced myself that it was important. I even deluded myself into thinking I was serving God while I was doing
it. I can hear the rebuttal coming. Someone will say: "But aren't we supposed to obey God? Trying you best can't be that bad?" But it is extremely easy to shift your focus just slightly from God. And that small change in perspective can hurt.
The truth of the matter is this. It was like I was saying that I trusted God to forgive me and make me whole, but only when I was done mucking around in it myself. I'd let him take over what I couldn't. I'd make sure and do my part. And I would keep that illusion of control. I was trusting in how good I could be. How much I could follow the rules. I was trusting in myself. And I was suffering. A lot. And the kicker was I thought I was being holy.
I had taken on a role that I was never meant to have in the first place. I was going to give God the glory but save myself. I was failing because it was an impossible task. The truth was it didn't matter how hard I tried. Even if I could reach that ideal of perfection I had in my head, I'd still have missed the mark. Its like aiming at the target but shooting wide. And God never wanted me to have all this responsibility. Matthew 11:28 says “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Growing up I always thought that verse was about God giving you rest from trials. But He is giving us rest from the burden of perfection. The burden of control. I can't be the perfect mom, person, wife, friend or student. I can't read the Bible or pray good enough and I can't not ever sin again. But I can humble myself before the Lord. Lay it at his feet. Thank Him that He has not placed that burden on me. Trust that it is Christ who makes me whole. So, I have learned what many great minds have learned before me. It's not some great revelation no one has ever had before. But it is this. Until you can continually lay it at Christ feet and trust that He doesn't make up what you lack but He is what you lack, in it's entirety, you can not find peace. Even if you know all the bible stories in the world.
I feel kind of silly writing about this. Now that I have realized what I have been doing it seems so simple. I'm sure there are those who have gotten it from the beginning. But just in case you are like me and in your good intentions, you have made an idol of perfection and control, let them go. Trust in the Lord to take them. Trust in the Lord to change you. Trust in the Lord to help you seek him. Don't learn it the hard way. He doesn't just want to pick you up when you fall. He wants to be the thing you stand on.
