I am a perfectionist. Not just a Type A personality but what psychologist would describe as a maladaptive perfectionism. I think we sort of glorify the perfectionist in our society. I mean, we make good grades and like things "just so" That can't be a bad thing right? It has to be better than the alternative. But what does Maladaptive Perfectionism really mean? Here are some examples taken from a self evaluation work sheet used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Its pretty self explanatory. Just pick the one that you would say generally describes you best.
1. My standards are usually:
A. Pretty set-relatively infexiable one I set them
B. Modified according to the situation-can change frequently
2. The standards I make for
myself:
A. Tend to be the same across everything-both harder tasks and easier ones
B. Change acfording to what I think my weaknesses are
3. Is there usually a gap between your standards and what you can actually do:
A. Yes, in many situations my standrards are definelty higher thatn what I can actually do
B. No, I tailor my standards around my abilities
4. Can you experience satisfaction or pleasure from your work:
A. No, I generally feel I could do better, therefore usually am not astisfied
B. Yes, I am able to find satisfaction within my work.
5. What is your attitude-how do you usually approach your tasks:
A. I''m usually pretty tense of anxious
B. I usually take a relaxed stance but am still careful
6. Is your sense of self tied to your performance of tasks:
A. Yes-how I feel about myslf is usally tied to how well I did something
B. No-my feelings about myself come from other areas too, although some might come from achievements from tasks.
7. When you fail at something, you:
A. Generally criticize and/or scold yourself
B. Feel bad, but try to use the feeling as motivation to do better next time.
8. While doing a task, your MAJOR focus is:
A. NOT doing something wrong
B. Doing as much as I can correctly
These are just a portion of a much larger evaluation tool so my point in sharing was not to help any one form any kind of diagnosis but show that the answers generally polarize each other. One is usually flexible, the other rigid. One has room for error and growth, the other does not. And one side tends to lead to a more content feeling of self and accomplishment and the other a demanding task master. So if you are like me you answered mostly A's. You may need to work on re-framing your goals and self talk. It's a big part of what I do to help myself feel more content and not drive everyone else crazy. I joke but it's kinda true.
So I work on it....a lot. But the area that I have the most trouble with my perfectionism is in my relationship with God. As Christians we are to follow Christs teaching. We are to try our best not to sin. We are to be Christ like. So one would think, that at least in this, being a perfectionist would be an advantage, right? But the kicker is, I don't sin any less than anyone else because I have perfectionist tendencies. I just end up beating myself up a whole lot and end up running a futile race in which I am trying really hard but going in circles. Or as I like to say: the hamster wheel affect. And in doing so I am not letting Jesus do what he was sent here to do. Forgive me. Cover me with his grace. Please keep in mind I am not saying "we should go on sinning so that Grace may abound" Romans 6:1 says unequivocally that that is not the case.
But I will question my motivation. Am I trying so hard not to sin because I am afraid of the imperfections? Or the consequences of them? Or because I genuinely love who Jesus and wish to be a faithful disciple? Or that I just want to be near him and by walking like him we get to know him. You see folks. Christianity isn't just about not sinning. Even non perfectionist can get caught up in that pesky little bit of misinformation. If it was, it would be a sad race that we couldn't win.
But my God doesn't do sad, futile races. He knows our imperfections. He knows them because he carries them himself. By His sacrifice. So am I talking in circles? I sure hope not. This particular blog is very much from my heart.
I can be okay getting a B on a college paper now. I have worked really hard to change my perspective. Now I am working hard to change my perspective on this. I am not made Holy because I can keep from sinning sometimes. I am made Holy by Christ taking my imperfections onto himself. So I do not sin because I want an A on that heavenly report card. But I strive to follow Christ(which is often but choosing a different path i.e choosing not to sin) Because I love him. So maybe the end result is the same. In both scenarios we are trying to follow Christ. But I think the second way comes with contentment.
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and sound mind" 2 Tim 1:7
