Perfection

I am a perfectionist.  Not just a Type A personality but what psychologist would describe as a maladaptive perfectionism.  I think we sort of glorify the perfectionist in our society. I mean, we make good grades and like things "just so" That can't be a bad thing right? It has to be better than the alternative. But what does Maladaptive Perfectionism really mean? Here are some examples taken from a self evaluation work sheet used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Its pretty self explanatory. Just pick the one that you would say generally describes you best.

1. My standards are usually:
A. Pretty set-relatively infexiable one I set them
B. Modified according to the situation-can change frequently

2. The standards I make for
 myself:
A. Tend to be the same across everything-both harder tasks and easier ones
B. Change acfording to what I think my weaknesses are

3. Is there usually a gap between your standards and what you can actually do:
A. Yes, in many situations my standrards are definelty higher thatn what I can actually do
B. No, I tailor my standards around my abilities

4. Can you experience satisfaction or pleasure from your work:
A. No, I generally feel I could do better, therefore usually am not astisfied
B. Yes, I am able to find satisfaction within my work.

5. What is your attitude-how do you usually approach your tasks:
A. I''m usually pretty tense of anxious
B. I usually take a relaxed stance but am still careful

6. Is your sense of self tied to your performance of tasks:
A. Yes-how I feel about myslf is usally tied to how well I did something
B.  No-my feelings about myself come from other areas too, although some might come from achievements from tasks.

7. When you fail at something, you:
A. Generally criticize and/or scold yourself
B. Feel bad, but try to use the feeling as motivation to do better next time.

8. While doing a task, your MAJOR focus is:
A. NOT doing something wrong
B. Doing as much as I can correctly

These are just a portion of a much larger evaluation tool so my point in sharing was not to help any one form any kind of diagnosis but show that the answers generally polarize each other.  One is usually flexible, the other rigid. One has room for error and growth, the other does not.  And one side tends to lead to a more content feeling of self and accomplishment and the other a demanding task master.  So if you are like me you answered mostly A's.  You may need to work on re-framing your goals and self talk. It's a big part of what I do to help myself feel more content and not drive everyone else crazy. I joke but it's kinda true.

So I work on it....a lot. But the area that I have the most trouble with my perfectionism is in my relationship with God.  As Christians we are to follow Christs teaching. We are to try our best not to sin.   We are to be Christ like. So one would think, that at least in this, being a perfectionist would be an advantage, right?   But the kicker is, I don't sin any less than anyone else because I have perfectionist tendencies.  I just end up beating myself up a whole lot and end up running a futile race in which I am trying really hard but going in circles. Or as I like to say: the hamster wheel affect. And in   doing so I am not letting Jesus do what he was sent here to do. Forgive me. Cover me with his grace.  Please keep in mind I am not saying "we should go on sinning so that Grace may abound" Romans 6:1 says unequivocally that that is not the case.

But I will question my motivation. Am I trying so hard not to sin because I am afraid of the imperfections? Or the consequences of them? Or because I genuinely love who Jesus  and wish to be a faithful disciple?  Or that I just want to be near him and by walking like him we get to know him.  You see folks. Christianity isn't just about not sinning. Even non perfectionist can get caught up in that pesky little bit of misinformation. If it was, it would be a sad race that we couldn't win. 

But my God doesn't do sad, futile races. He knows our imperfections. He knows them because he carries them himself.  By His sacrifice. So am I talking in circles?  I sure hope not. This particular blog is very much from my heart.

I can be okay getting a B on a college paper now. I have worked really hard to change my perspective. Now I am working hard to change my perspective on this. I am not made Holy because I can keep from sinning sometimes. I am made Holy by Christ taking my imperfections onto himself. So I do not sin because I want an A on that heavenly report card. But I strive to follow Christ(which is often but choosing a different path i.e choosing not to sin)  Because I love him.  So maybe the end result is the same. In both scenarios we are trying to follow Christ. But I think the second way comes with contentment.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and sound mind" 2 Tim 1:7

Uh oh..1st line is a disclaimer!

I'd like to state that today's blog was not inspired by a specific person, place or event. I am just writing this in response to a general feeling I get from our parenting culture as a whole.

Maybe it's cause I am a mother of two rowdy yet wonderful boys, or that my husband is a preacher and we are to some extent in the public eye, or because I am just plain human; I worry if my kids will behave well in public. I know I'm not alone in this. I have seen frazzled and embarrassed mommas at church and in the grocery store. I have seen mommas cringe at unsolicited advice and make a beeline out of where ever they are to deal with the tantrum in private. Away from prying eyes and the judgement and mental "tisk tisk" that goes with it. I know this cause I have been there. 

My youngest is strong willed, sweet, stubborn and one of the most loving kids in the world. I'm told he is a lot like me. I too am stubborn and for some reason sometimes I just enjoy a good argument. So the fact that I have a little firecracker isn't too surprising.

Our goal should not be to just have well behaved children. What? I can hear the outrage now. You don't think people should strive to have well behaved children? Okay, not exactly what I said.  I would absolutely love it if my boys were always well behaved. At home and in public. But they are not going to be. And if  I measure my success as a parent on only that variable, then I am always going to feel like a failure, and my kids are gonna be super stressed. So what exactly am I saying?

It is all in the perspective. The big picture. My goal is for my boys to grow up to be strong Christian men who lead their families with love, strength and faith in Christ Jesus. And it takes a lot to get them there. A ton of little lessons spurred by mistakes and temper tantrums. A million opportunities to teach, correct and to show mercy. Just as Christ teaches, corrects and shows us mercy. And just as we are not perfect as adults, they can not be perfect as children. But we sometimes put this pressure on ourselves. And the results are usually isolating and frustrating to say the least. But what can we do? We can use every fit, kick and yell to teach the Godly characteristics we so desire in them. And we can keep the situation in perspective.

So I am definitely not saying to let your kids do whatever they want. Or not to teach them. But I am saying not to freak out about every misbehavior so much. They are an opportunity to teach. They are normal. So my goal isn't to have just well behaved children. That will come in time, and in different time frames for each child. My goal have a confident, loving and Godly adult.

So how can you help me? By being patient with me and my kids as we learn and grow. By offering support instead of criticisms. Encouragement instead of exasperation. And you know what? I am going to try my hardest to do it for you. Because we are not in competition with each other, not if we truly desire to put on Christ's love.

Let's get them to the end goal together.

Confession is Good for the Soul

We all do a lot of pretending.  It's a coping mechanism we all have.  Ever heard the phrase 'fake it, til you make it?' For me it has always been wishful thinking until the rest of me caught up.  And for most things in life, it tends to work. Act confident in social situations and eventually you will be and you don't even notice when you stop faking.  We do it all the time and it isn't lying. It's just believing in the end goal. 

But some things you just can't fake.  Don't get me wrong. Boy, do I still try though.  I don't necessarily keep mine a big secret, but I'm often not real with people either.  I am a Christian,  mother and a preacher's wife.  And I have Major Depressive Disorder.  

I don't really remember a time that I didn't struggle with it.  And in that way, I suppose, I am blessed. There is not a before and after for me.  It just is.  I can reconcile most aspects of my life with the depression. I do feel guilt that I have such a wonderful husband and beautiful healthy children and suffer from depression.    But I think the hardest role to reconcile, is preacher's wife. 

I am so afraid that if people know how much I suffer, they will think I am not good enough. You see, I feel so honored to be in the role I am in. To support my husband as he preaches and teaches God's word. In our minds it isn't just a job. It is THE job.  I am afraid that they will think I am weak. Or the biggest dirty little secret of all, people will think that I am ungrateful and do not love and trust in God enough. 

So I hide. I allude to it at times but for the most part I hide the depression.  I hide that some days it feels like I can't take care of my house let alone myself.  Or that some days I can't feel anything at all. Or that some days I want to quit and give up.

So why post this now? Why confess?  Probably more than anything to prove a point to myself.  Christians are not perfect people, but people made perfect by the blood of Christ. Preacher's and their wives are not more holy, or subject to a higher class of problems. We are real people. I always ask people to be real with me. Then I go on to tell them how God loves them and how we are all an integral part of the Lord's church.  But I hide this, one of my greatest struggles.  I hide an illness. I do not share the truth of my struggles while I ask that others do the very same thing.

I do not write this post as a preacher's wife or even as person with mental illness. I write it as a fellow Christian.  The church is made strong by our love for one another.  I do not wish to just love the Sunday you. The fake it, til you make it persona.  But the real you with all the struggles and blemishes. I want that love too but first I had to take the risk and confess myself.