You don't have to suffer from depression or OCD to have the rug pulled out from under you. That just happens by being alive. By interacting with another human being. Being a part of a family. Loving a friend to the point that you feel their pain as your own. I never presume my pain is worse than anyone else but I can only write about my experiences. So here it goes.
It is definitely more complex than I am going to put it but there are basically two kinds of depression. There is situational depression. Caused by a specific event or tragedy. And then there is the other kind. A slumbering monster that you always know is there even if it is dormant at the moment. There is a science behind it. A brain chemistry but I had to start understanding these concepts as a kid. And every kid thinks about monsters.
I have a wonderful life, monsters not withstanding. Sometimes I think back to what I dreamed of having when I was a kid and I can say that I pretty much have all of it. I suppose some people might say I never dream t big enough but those people would be very wrong. I wanted a husband. And God gave me the most wonderful husband. A part of me had been dreaming of him since I was seventeen. I wanted kids and I have the two most beautiful boys. I wanted to somehow work in ministry and now my husband is a very devoted minister. I get to support him and work beside him. Many people may read my list of accomplishments and maybe they will just seem pretty run of the mill but to a woman who at several points in her life couldn't attend school or even leave her house, it's a pretty huge deal.
I have the normal ups and down of life. The losses and hurts that go with it. But I also have that pesky slumbering monster that every so often makes it's appearance in my life. Even with this life that is so full of God's blessings I sometimes get clinically depressed. And sometimes it comes out of the blue and hits me like a semi. Other times it creeps up and slowly wears me down. Sometimes I feel guilty for being depressed. I mean, how can I look at my boys and the purpose I have in my life and be so?
I am writing this because I have met others that feel the exact same way. And like my explanation of depression I am going to make it really simple. It is what it is. Had I told myself that a few years ago I might have slapped myself in the head. And I'm not trying to minimize peoples pain or my own. But if you would like to know how I fight my monster is pretty simple. He is always gonna be there. Sometime quieter than others but I have an illness and baring some new treatment it is reality. So even though I don't like him, instead of demonizing the depression or myself, in a way I invite him to stay and hang out a bit until he fades away again. In those times I use my coping skills that I have learned from many years of therapy. And I have another thing that I am so blessed to have at my disposal. I have my faith in Jesus and I cling to the promises he has given. Even when the monster is so loud I want to shut out the world. I cling to my blessings. I fight. And I don't hate it or myself anymore. That is a pain we cause ourselves.
You don't conquer the monster by killing it or hating it. You get the help that you need and you do the one thing that takes it's power. You choose to build.
