To Be or Not To Be

To be or not to be. Many people say that is the question. At least for me, the question that usually drives many of my decisions is: To engage or not engage? When you have OCD and anxiety issues, your brain is always on high alert for potential danger. Big or small. Usually both but that in and of itself is irrelevant. Everyone's brain has a built in imperative to be on the lookout for danger. It's how people survive. We may not have saber tooth tigers around every corner anymore but we still haven't stopped looking for potential pitfalls. Will I lose my job? Do people like me? What if someone I love gets sick? Human beings have been surviving by asking the simple question: What if? It has it's usefulness. You may have a careful budget because you know what it's like to go through lean times. It's helpful when it is adaptive and actually beneficial. But what do you do when it goes beyond that?

Some people are worriers and planners. It's just part of their personality.  And some of us have OCD and Anxiety Disorders that take it to a clinical level. There are a whole bunch of clinical evaluations that you can do to see if you are a part of the latter. Or you can just answer this one simple question. And if you answer ,yes, it doesn't mean you have a disorder. You might just need to shift your perspective. Does worry ,anxiety,excessive problem-solving and never being able to be present in the current moment cause distress in your life? Do you miss out on things because you are too scared?  Are you miserable because even when you are doing something important to you, you feel as if you are trying to dodge invisible saber tooth tigers? Are you so caught up in preventing a catastrophe that you don't actually live? There are many levels of severity, as I have mentioned before, but if  it is true to you on any level, there are things you can do.

Behavioral Therapy(used for anxiety disorders, PTSD and many others) is interesting because it is so complex and so very simple. Tons of books have been written on the subject.  I've read a lot of them and they have really helped. But I like the simplified "anxiety for dummies" track and that's what I like to explain in my blog. Simple, personal things I have learned and find personally beneficial.

There has been a myth circulating that humans have more control than they actually do.  I'm not sure when this started but if I had to guess it was pretty early on. The truth is you can't control everything. But you can control some things. And that's where people get caught. But there's another myth that has been been floating around. And that is that you have to control everything you can. And if you can't control it,  you can plan for every eventuality. And of course worry and agonize over it. Cause that usually helps any situation:) I kid.

But the truth is you don't have a choice of how you feel. Emotions are like breathing. They are just there and a natural response to life. But you do have the choice of whether you engage in a worry. If you cultivate it and nurture it. To care for it like a fragile seed and see it to fruition.  It's a simple concept that is complex in application. It takes practice.  I am finishing up my 9th week at an intensive OCD treatment. I am flying home on Friday. And there is a snow storm blowing in on Thursday.

The old me would have said that I didn't have any choice in the matter. As of yet, I can't control the weather. But I would have engaged. I would have agonized over my plans and began to plan for every eventuality. I would have kept careful tabs on the weather. I would have contacted the taxi and the airport until they hung a picture of me on their bulletin board to warn future employees about the obnoxious girl who was 'just checking'. But most of all I would have ruminated over it day and night. I would have trouble falling asleep. And by the time Friday came I would be drained and I would be loathing my misfortune. Why couldn't this one little thing be easy?

Call it the intensive nine weeks of behavioral therapy and my renewed interest to trust God in all things but I am choosing not to engage this time. I still hope my flight doesn't get delayed. I still have the desire to worry on it and play that particular screen play through my mind.  But I'm not going to cultivate it.  Under the guise of control we nourish a worry. What it going to happen will happen either way. I'm either gonna have a miserable-the-earth-is-ending-and-I-have-to-prevent-it mentality or I'm gonna make a decision to not engage the worry. To not help it grow.

So many of you might be asking if I just told you to just 'not to worry' about it. You have probably heard that before. Heck, I've heard it a million times myself. But I'm not telling you not to have a desired outcome of the situation.  I'm not even telling you not to make some reasonable plans like leaving half an hour early for the airport.  Ask yourself this: What are you actually trying to control by nourishing a worry? In this instance I wasn't trying to prevent a snow storm. I was trying to prevent negative feelings that might occur if the a snow storm happened. I would be trying to prevent the inconvenience. I would be trying to prevent my own loss of control.

Feelings of worry and anxiety aren't harmful. They can sure be unpleasant but they won't actually hurt you. But spending your life trying to prevent the feelings of worry, anxiety, fear, loss and whatever else you can think of, actually will. It's not the feeling that is so bad. It's the struggle to avoid it.  Friday will happen either way.  Have you ever noticed that the preparation to prevent harm was often much worse that the actual fear? I have no guarantee that I will be on that plane at 11:15 on Friday morning. But I do know if I spend the next 2 days engaging the worry and nurturing it, it won't really matter what will happen on Friday. The next two days would have been a stressed out mess.

So I'm not telling you not to worry. I'm telling you to do some reasonable prep and then let go of the reins.   It is much easier said than done. But when I start thinking of the what-if's of Friday I shift my focus back to the present. What is meaningful to me in this very moment? Right now, it is writing this blog. Later I might distract myself with a friend. Maybe you have to shift your focus 100 times just today. But each time you do that you are giving meaning to this day. To this moment. In case you haven't noticed, sometimes bad things happen. I can't stop the storm. But I can keep from  wasting  the calm before the storm.  Choose to make today meaningful instead of preventing harm tomorrow.


P.s. The concept may sound easy but it takes a lot of everyday practice. Don't give up! I'm not going to either.  Keep practicing and in case you read my previous post, practice doesn't make perfect. It makes progress.

The Price Of Perfection

I have had OCD longer than I can remember life without mental illness. I won't lie and say its been a piece of cake. I have had to struggle to get the things that a lot of people take for granted.  But it does give you some things too. It's helped me have such joy in the small things. I wasn't always sure I'd get to do everything that I had dreamed of. Like marriage and kids. Or college even. I'm 34 and still working on that one:) But it's ok. I have always been more of the tortoise than the hare.  It gave me a stubborn spirit.  It's helped me practice going for what I want in the midst of suffering. It's knocked me to my knees so many times and even after I had given up it's taught me my need to reach my hand out to God and let him lift me back to my feet. It has always helped me see my need for God.  It makes you a badger. It can make you relentless. A dog with a bone. It can make you a perfectionist.

In our society, perfectionist are valued.  We are praised. After all we are always on time, we get our work done. We just don't let go until we get it right. And if we don't, boy, are we gonna kick ourselves while we are down.  Even though it can make you miserable, a lot of people are willing to take the bad along with the good. I always thought I was one of those people. Willing to take the stress and pain that came with my quest for perfection. I was willing to never feel satisfied as long  the things I did were top notch. I was willing to forgo fun time to redo something because it hadn't reached my magic level of greatness. I was even willing to stress others out in my pursuit to have this all encompassing control. Until it started to interfere with my relationship with God.

I have been going to church since I was a toddler. I have remained faithful through my life. I go to church. I raise my kids in the church.  I am involved.  I teach Bible study. I even supported my husband when he wanted to switch from a lucrative career of graphic design  to full time ministry.  Man, I was checking off those list left and right. I read my Bible. And I even suitably tortured my self about it. Was I doing it enough? Was I learning enough? Was I feeling the right way while I did it? I did that when I prayed too.  Before I knew it I had extended that mentality to every part of my life. I tried my hardest not to sin. I would think about my life for endless hours. Was I doing absolutely everything I could not to sin and honor God? After all, that is what we have been taught since we were kids. I mean, you are supposed to not sin right?

So why was I so unhappy? Why could I never feel that joy that I heard other Christians talk about?  I love Jesus so much! He literally gives my life purpose and meaning. Why was I so stinking miserable? Couldn't God see I was torturing myself for him? I'm trying my best.  Just like with OCD I wasn't going to give up until I beat it all.

And then I went to the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Institute in Boston Massachusetts. In case you couldn't tell from the previous paragraphs, I have OCD:) I had everything I had ever wanted in life. I have an amazing husband and two great kids. We work with an awesome Church. I'm even planning of finishing my degree.  But something wasn't right. I was getting more and more depressed.and it felt like my life was slowly spiraling out of control. And like any good perfectionist I tried to fix it by controlling it more. I was gonna be the perfect mom, the best wife, the best friend, the best at working hard on my OCD.  I was gonna be the best Christian too. I was gonna show God how hard I was trying.

On November 4th I had a break down. I could no longer go on. I thought I  was doing everything right. I was working so hard but OCD was out of control and my depression was so deep I didn't know if I even had the strength to even reach for God's hand this time. So I checked myself into the OCD Institute. I left my husband and kids at home to do residential treatment for the mental illness I had been fighting all my life. And I was gonna do it perfect. I was gonna make everyone so proud, I was gonna beat this.

I'm pretty sure everyone can see the grave error I was making.  But I'm the tortoise remember? :)
I was reading this book called gods at war. It's all about becoming aware of the idols we have in our lives. Without going into how OCD treatment works too much, I'll just say I was reading it to confront my ideas of perfectionism from an OCD stand point. It can be confusing....but that's a blog for another day.

I was sure I was gonna read the book and find out that my idol was television. I love me some prime time T.V. and I could probably be more disciplined. But I was soon shaken to my very core. I did have an idol in my life.  And that Idol was perfectionism and control. You see, we put our time, energy, love and sacrifice into what we worship and I been worshiping the control I was trying to have in all aspects of my life.

But as is the case with all idols, I had put my hope, joy and peace in something other than God.  And just like with other idols I convinced myself that it was important.  I even  deluded  myself into thinking I was serving God while I was doing it.   I can hear the rebuttal coming. Someone will say: "But aren't we supposed to obey God? Trying you best can't be that bad?"  But it is extremely easy to shift your focus just slightly from God. And that small change in perspective can hurt.

The truth of the matter is this. It was like I was saying that I trusted God to forgive me and make me whole, but only when I was done mucking around in it myself. I'd let him take over what I couldn't.  I'd make sure and do my part. And I would keep that illusion of control.  I was trusting in how good I could be. How much I could follow the rules. I was trusting in myself. And I was suffering. A lot.  And the kicker was I thought I was being holy.

I had taken on a role that I was never meant to have in the first place. I was going to give God the glory but save myself. I was failing because it was an impossible  task.  The truth was it didn't matter how hard I tried. Even if I could  reach that ideal of perfection I had in my head, I'd still have missed the mark. Its like aiming at the target but shooting wide.  And God never wanted me to have all this responsibility.   Matthew 11:28 says “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Growing up I always thought that verse was about God giving you rest from trials. But He is giving us rest from the burden of perfection. The burden of control.  I can't be the perfect mom, person, wife, friend or student. I can't read the Bible or pray good enough and I can't not ever sin again. But I can humble myself before the Lord.  Lay it at his feet. Thank Him that He has not placed that burden on me.  Trust that it is Christ who makes me whole. So, I have learned what many great minds have learned before me.  It's not some great revelation no one has ever had before.  But it is this. Until you can continually lay it at Christ feet and trust that He doesn't make up what you lack but He is what you lack, in it's entirety, you can not find peace. Even if you know all the bible stories in the world.

I feel kind of silly writing about this.  Now that I have realized what I have been doing it seems so simple.  I'm sure there are those who have gotten it from the beginning. But just in case you are like me and in your good intentions,  you have made an idol of perfection and control, let them go. Trust in the Lord to take them. Trust in the Lord to change you. Trust in the Lord to help you seek him. Don't learn it the hard way.   He doesn't just want to pick you up when you fall. He wants to be the thing you stand on.