The only thing that stays the same, is everything always changes.

So it has been a few months since my last post.  I've got my handy dandy excuse all ready though: Our entire life is changing!  Now we know where my youngest get's his flair for the dramatic.  But really, it's a lot.  We are moving to Illinois in about three weeks.  My husband got a job at a wonderful church where he will get to preach every week.  We are so excited!  We will be trading in our flip flops for snow boots, swap spending all our money on air conditioning to heat and go from living within a few hours drive of grand parents and family to a plane ride away.  Which is the hardest thing for me.  I am a self proclaimed, 100% card carrying momma's girl.

I have never taken change well.  That my friends, is the understatement of the century. But my Mom always told me: The only thing that stays the same, is everything always changes.  I guess she has been trying to get me used to the idea since birth.  Well, 32 years later, I can say I am no longer digging in my heals, going dead weight and making people drag me along. But I still have a hard time.  It's the unknown. The what if's.  But I will confess the hardest thing for me is being so far away from my my mom.

A lot of people have great moms.  And while I do like a good contest, this isn't what this post is about.  It's about reflection and gratitude. And acknowledging that God has control over all things. Even who we are born to.  My mom isn't just a good Mom. She is the reason I am here today.  I had some very particular struggles growing up.  Sometimes I look back and I think that just surviving was a miracle. But I did so much more than just survive.  I thrived.   And I did so because she taught me how.  She survived for me when I hadn't quite gotten that lesson yet and she took my burdens until I was strong enough to hold them on my own.  She taught me to trust God and to wait for him.  And then she did the most selfless thing of all. She let me go so I could do it on my own. The great irony is, if she hadn't done such a good job, I wouldn't be moving four states away and following the path God has put in place for my family.

So Mom, I hate to disagree with you . But I believe circumstances change. Destinations change. Jobs change.
But there are some stuff that don't. God's never ending love and provision.  And my love and respect for you.  Cause you have given me the greatest gift I believe a mother can give her child.  The confidence  and support to thrive. To follow God's path. And I pray that one day my boys will say the same for me.

To Slay the Monster

             You don't have to suffer from depression or OCD to have the rug pulled out from under you.  That just happens by being alive.  By interacting with another human being.  Being a part of a family.  Loving a friend to the point that you feel their pain as your own.  I never presume my pain is worse than anyone else but I can only write about my experiences.  So here it goes.

               It is definitely more complex than I am going to put it but there are basically two kinds of depression.    There is situational depression.  Caused by a specific event or tragedy.  And then there is the other kind.  A slumbering monster that you always know is there even if it is dormant at the moment.  There is a science behind it. A brain chemistry but I had to start understanding these concepts as a kid.  And every kid thinks about monsters.

              I have a wonderful life, monsters not withstanding.  Sometimes I think back to what I dreamed of having when I was a kid and I can say that I pretty much have all of it. I suppose some people might say I never dream t big enough but those people would be very wrong.  I wanted a husband.  And God gave me the most wonderful husband. A part of me had been dreaming of him since I was seventeen.  I wanted kids and I have the two most beautiful boys.  I wanted to somehow work in ministry and now my husband is a very devoted minister.  I get to support him and work beside him.  Many people may read my list of accomplishments and maybe they will just seem pretty run of the mill but to a woman who at several points in her life couldn't attend school or even leave her house, it's a pretty huge deal.

            I have the normal ups and down of life. The losses and hurts that go with it.  But I also have that pesky slumbering monster that every so often makes it's appearance in my life.  Even with this life that is so full of God's blessings I sometimes get clinically depressed.  And sometimes it comes out of the blue and hits me like a semi.  Other times it creeps up and slowly wears me down.  Sometimes I feel guilty for being depressed.  I mean, how can I look at my boys and the purpose I have in my life and be so?

          I am writing this because I have met others that feel the exact same way.  And like my explanation of depression I am going to make it really simple.  It is what it is.  Had I told myself that a few years ago I might have slapped myself in the head. And I'm not trying to minimize peoples pain or my own.  But if you would like to know how I fight my monster is pretty simple.  He is always gonna be there.  Sometime quieter than others but I have an illness and baring some new treatment it is reality.  So even though I don't like him, instead of demonizing the depression or myself,  in a way I invite him to stay and hang out a bit until he fades away again.   In those times I use my coping skills that I have learned from many years of therapy.  And I have another thing that I am so blessed to have at my disposal.  I have my faith in Jesus and I cling to the promises he has given. Even when the monster is so loud I want to shut out the world.  I cling to my blessings.  I fight.  And I don't hate it or myself anymore.  That is a pain we cause ourselves.

         You don't conquer the monster by killing it or hating it.  You get the help that you need and you do the one thing that takes it's power. You choose to build. 

The Wal-Mart Effect

Last week I did something I don't normally do.  Usually I choose to fight the weekend crowds and do my shopping  on a Saturday so my two and five year old can stay home with my husband while I shop.  But my oldest wanted some craft supplies so I broke my personal rule and drove to Wal-Mart.  I parked in what seemed like the 60th row in the parking lot and with my two year old on my hip and my five year old latched on to my hand we began the trek to the store.  

It was a beautiful day and my boys were chatting happily.  I was even singing "This Is the Day the Lord Has Made."  We passed an older lady loading her groceries and she looked up and smiled at us.  She had this look that just made me know we were adorable.  I was feeling good.  I mean, we just got the certified Grandma look of approval.

I didn't leave the store feeling the same way.  And the thing that bugs me the most about it was that nothing really catastrophic happened.  It was just the run of the mill, shopping with two pre-schoolers kind of stuff. Liam didn't want to stay buckled in the cart, and having my blood running through his veins like he does, he wasn't accepting defeat and spent the entire 30 minutes we were in the store unhappily trying to escape.  My five year old's only crime was being too helpful.  He kept trying to re-scan our things at the self check out.  

As I was comforting Liam and explaining to Haden that I didn't want to have to pay for everything twice, I saw the check out attendant giving me an aggravated look because we were holding up the line. I instantly felt embarrassed.  The earlier "Mother of the Year Glow" from before had evaporated under the employee's look of impatience.

I left the store feeling self-conscious.  As I drove home I began to wonder why my Wal-Mart trip had ended so badly.  There were no tantrums, no parking lot fender benders.  And when I realized what I was doing to myself, it really got on my nerves.  I was seeing myself through other peoples eyes. The old lady made me feel cute and successful. The Wal-Mart
employee made me feel harried and disorganized.  Even as I write this I am going to correct myself. They didn't make me feel anything.  I placed judgement on my self due to the reactions they gave.

So how often do we do this to ourselves?  I do it quite a bit.  And I am working on it.  First, just by admitting to myself that I am making myself  a little bit miserable.  And also by reminding myself to be kind.  It's really easy for me to be kind to others. But I have a hard time showing that courtesy to myself.  And lastly, when I see a fellow momma struggling in line, to give them a smile and  maybe a hand.

OCD Mom.  That is the name I picked for my blog.  I had a person tell me once, that I shouldn't label myself with my disorder.  That it makes it more powerful or real somehow.  While I appreciate the concern, I don't subscribe to that way or thinking.  Whether I acknowledge it or not, it is a real part of me.  Just as sure as my leg or heart. Don't misunderstand me.  I don't enjoy it or accept the limitations it tries to set upon me.  I just accept it as a part of who I am.   I believe I have this acceptance because of another label I proudly carry. Truthfully, the most important label: Christian.  Christ knit me in my mother's womb and has a plan for me.  So, I embrace my labels.  Christian.  Wife.  OCD.  Mom. 

I'm writing this blog because I think being a woman is hard.  Being a mom is crazy hard.  There is a reason woman need to stick together and share the burden.  Its a big one.    And having OCD and depression adds another level of difficulty to it.  I know there are there moms out there with similar problems and my goals are to share my "normal" parenting challenges and maybe my not so "normal" ones too.  Because the joys are there. Us moms just have to share the chaos.